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Trophies are like herpes. You can try to get rid of them but they just keep coming.
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I'm going to make a point of not talking to students because this has been a colossal waste of my time.
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So you like show tunes? Doesn't mean you're gay -- it just means you're awful.
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You take weird little strides when you walk as if you were raised in Imperial Japan and someone found your feet.
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Will, I may buy a small diaper for your chin because it looks like a baby's ass.
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You have enough product in your hair to season a wok.
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I won't be burying any hatchets unless I happen to have a clear shot at your groin.
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I woulda got you [a mocha], Will, but I don't like you.
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All I want is one day a year where I'm not visually assaulted by uglies and fatties.
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You three are boring me now. I'm gonna do something else.
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I got my cheerios on a yam diet. Draws the water out of the skin.
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Told 'em to yank out those tear ducts. Wasn't using them.
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Stop seeing people for what they look like and ask them to show you what they can do.
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I'm about to projectile express myself all over your Hush Puppies.
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You think this is hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and being told they're going in another direction. THAT'S hard.
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You sunk my battleship, and you sunk it hard. Boom!
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Walked in on my parents once and it was like 2 walruses wrestling.
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Your delusions of persecution are a telltale sign of early stage schizophrenia.
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If they want to be bankers and lawyers, the most important lesson they can learn is a round-off.
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I always thought the desire to procreate showed deep personal weakness.
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Without those endorsements, I won't be able to buy my hovercraft.
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Dear Journal, feeling listless again today. It began at dawn when I tried to make a smoothie out of beef bones.
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You have to remember something: We're dealing with children. They NEED to be terrified.
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Stop talking. I'm trying desperately to ignore the treacly sweet inanity of your assinine conversation.
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My hand’s still sore from signing autographs at The Donut Hole.
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Ask anyone who’s safely walked the immaculate streets of Singapore and they’ll tell you one thing: caning works!
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I’d love to stay and chat but I’ve got a satellite interview. That’s lingo for an interview, via satellite.
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The way you use your mental illness to help those kids is really inspiring.
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I’m revoking your tanning privileges for the rest of the semester.
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Smell your pits. That’s the smell of failure and it’s stinking up my office.
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We took out the shepherd, then we went after the sheep.
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I want my full budget restored… And a new fog machine.
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You remind me of a younger me – but you don’t have my bone structure.
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My first thought was your kids should be put into foster care.
network.
